Things Not Allowed at Hogwarts
by irishileana
Summary: I think the title really tells it all. Things you can't do at Hogwarts.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: Well, a while ago, I wrote a list of 150 things I'm not allowed to do (I'd post it here, but it's quite lengthy, being 150 and all). I got this idea from a good friend on (you peeps on would know her as Erzebet), who said she got the idea from Not Allowed to Do at Hogwarts. So, I thought, well, if I can't post 150 things I'm not allowed to do, I could post things you're not allowed to do at Hogwarts. Those of you who know me will probably notice that I only made slight changes to some of the 150 things I'm not allowed to do anywhere. I also decided to make it a roundrobin on Ginny Potter, so I'll post new entries on fanfiction as well, giving credit to the author. For now . . . enjoy!

Not allowed to poke Filch in the face.

Not allowed to tell Snape that nobody likes him and he shouldn't wear swimsuits.

Not allowed to throw first years into the Forbidden Forest.

Not allowed to pull Draco Malfoy's chair out from underneath him.

Not allowed to pretend I'm Fred or George Weasley and escape on a broom to make a joke shop.

Not allowed to pretend I'm Harry Potter and roll around the floor, screaming, "Voldemort's coming! Voldemort's trying to eat meeee!".

Not allowed to hide a giant in the Forbidden Forest and blame it on the centaurs.

Ron Weasley is not my soul mate

I should stop ranting about the fourth Harry Potter movie. Seriously, nobody knows what I'm talking about.

Crabbe and Goyle do have brains and those comments are uncalled for.

Students Against Snape's Ugly Nose (SASUN) is not an actual association.

Not allowed to run around naked

I am not the Princess of an unknown place called Genovia or Coventry Island, and the people at Hogwarts still have no idea what I'm talking about.

Fourteen is not Voldemort's number and protesting against it won't get me anything.

Chickens are not going to join forces with Voldemort and help him take over the world.

Not allowed to go through Filch's private pages.

"But I wanted to figure out if he was having a secret affair with Snape!" is not an excuse to go through his Filch's private pages.

Flitwick is just short, not a giant gnome attempting to eat us all.

Not allowed to run with knives.

Ditto scissors.

Ditto my wand.

Umbridge may have been wuite mean, but she never tried to make people eat bubotuber pus.

Not allowed to shout, "All hail the Dark Lord!" whenever Harry Potter comes into the room.

Hermione Granger did not turn into a cat and attack me with her very sharp claws . . . it was just Crookshanks.

I deserved it for deliberately stepping on him.

I shouldn't put a giant neon sign in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom by the sinks, saying "CHAMBER OF SECRETS, OPEN 24-7".

"But they were too atupid to figure it out!" is not an excuse for doing so.

Not allowed to magically write, "Romilda Vane is an idiot." on the walls.

If I insist on doing so, could I please take it off as Filch, being a squib, can't?

Filch's nickname is not "Squibby"

Peeves is not my idol.

Not allowed to run around, screaming, "APENDOODLE WEINBURGER!".

Binns is not the most boring person in the world . . . well, not allowed to say that, anyway.

Not allowed to break into Snape's potion cupboard and make a polyjuice potion of him.

Not allowed to pretend I'm Snape and make fun of myself in a Potions class.

That also goes for Defence Against the Dark Arts class, and I'm not allowed to pretend I didn't realize that.

Not allowed to make voodoo dolls.

Not allowed to use the Quidditch pitch as a shrine towards Peeves . . . the school gets ANGRY!

Not allowed to play with matches. (You pyromaniac)

Not allowed to set fire to the school, Snape, or my siblings.

Not allowed to cast jinxes at Snape in Norwegian.

Not allowed to cast jinxes at Snape in French.

Not allowed to cast jinxes at Snape in Mexican.

Not allowed to cast jinxes at Snape in German.

Not allowed to cast jinxes at Snape in English.

Pretty much not allowed to cast jinxes at Snape in any language.

Even Pig Latin.

Not allowed to break out randomly into The Llama Song during a very important lecture.

My name is not Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, or Prongs.

50. Ron Weasley is not my boyfriend and we do not have a child together.

Ditto Fred Weasley.

Ditto George Weasley.

Ditto Harry Potter.

Ditto Viktor Krum.

"Well your mom doesn't know how to do a disarming curse!" is not a comeback.

I should stop writing about Harry Potter having amnesia.

Most people have not been to Azkaban eleven times, but that doesn't mean I live there in one of the jail cells.

I do not have a child who is part dementor.

I myself am not part dementor.

Ditto Snape.

Ditto Filch.

Ditto Harry Potter.

Ditto Malfoy.

Ditto Crabbe.

Ditto Goyle.

Ditto pretty much everyone.

The fourth Harry Potter movie was not made by the devil; it was made by the Warner Brothers.

Not allowed to look up everything about a person I don't know and say, "OMIGOSH! It's you! I heard about your mom, I'm so sorry, getting trampled by hippogriffs like that! Don't you remember me?".

Not allowed to tell Snape to take a nice long shower.

Or drown in it.

Not allowed to tell the teachers how I really feel about them . . . there's a sure ticket to expulsion.

Not allowed to change the Hogwarts song to anything about monkeys flinging crap at each other.

Voldemort is head of the death eaters, not the Mafia.

Filch isn't a death eater.

The reason Filch isn't a death eater isn't because "he was too ugly, even for Voldemort".

Not allowed to say Voldemort's name . . . oops.

Not allowed to tell Fluffy to eat Snape.

Ditto Filch.

Also not allowed to tell Fluffy to just drool on Snape.

Again, ditto Filch.

Not allowed to give Malfoy a name that means, "Jackass who needs to get a life because he sucks."

Not allowed to play with my wand.

STILL not allowed to run with scissors.

Or my wand.

Not allowed to tell the ickle firsties to start a rebellion against homework.

Not allowed to say I'm Buffy's descendant and must sacrifice someone.

I most likely do not have an identical twin that I was separated from at birth, and once again, nobody knows what I'm talking about.

Umbridge is not a frog in a disguise . . . she just looks that way.

Not allowed to write, "I must shut up" on my hand in red ink and blame it Snape and his detentions.

Not allowed to get out the light saver in the middle of class . . . Darth Vader is NOT there, and for the last time, nobody knows what I'm talking about.

Voldemort is not secretly a sheep farmer, living happily with his wife, Bellatrix.

Nor is he a llama farmer.

Sirius Black is not Stubby Boardman.

Not allowed to tell the teachers (particularly Snape) to go screw themselves.

Or Filch.

Hermione's cat did not eat my homework.

Or sit on it and therefore ruin it.

I am not Emily from Corpse Bride, and people are sick of telling me that they don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm not her twin sister either.

Not allowed to ask for Richard Harris' email anymore. He's not living, and Harry Potter doesn't know anything about him.

Not allowed to call Umbridge a witch and have her burned at stake.

The reason is not because it won't work.

But it won't work.

The reason is because it's not nice.

Just stop confusing people!

Can't have the other teachers burned at stake, particularly the men.

Ditto Filch.

Ditto everyone else on staff.

Ditto myself.

Because of course we're witches, idiot.

My robes should not have words on them.

Particularly swear words.

If you want to get really detailed, "Go fk yourself" is something you don't want on your robes.

I do not know Voldemort's phone number.

And it's not just because he doesn't have one.

Not allowed to Google search the phrase "Voldemort sucks butt".

I don't know that Flitwick has been cheating, and I'm not allowed to call him "Baby"

He doesn't know what I'm talking about anyways.

The correct response to "Are you serious?" is a simple a "Yes, I am" Or "No, I'm not." Not, "You idiot, Bellatrix killed him." (Stole it from Erzebet on my original one and I'm stealing it once more!)

"My Humps" is not to be sung on school grounds.

Not allowed to protest against the fact that we can't have knives at school, especially with, "This wand could be a weapon too! Didja ever think of that? Huh? Huh?"

Ditto, "This chair could be a weapon too! Didja ever think of that? Huh? Huh?"

Ditto anything else.

Not allowed to use my blanket as a parachute when jumping out the Astronomy tower.

Not allowed to jump out of the astronomy tower.

I am not part of the Mafia. (What are you talking about, Molly?)

Ditto the Order of the Pheonix. (What are you talking about, Molly?)

Ditto the F.B.I. (What are you talking about, Molly?)

Ditto the Esteemed Elders. (What are you talking about, Molly?)

Ditto the Death Eaters (Ah, now I know what you're talking about.)

"CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" is not allowed to be said on school grounds. (Erzebet stolen again, but I would have put it on anyways)

Ditto "Twitchy little ferret, aren't you?" (My own)

Not allowed to say, "Ms. Cheesebaker presents her compliments to Professor (insert teacher's name here), and begs him/her to keep his/her abnormally large nose out of other people's business."

Ditto "Ms. Rose agrees with Ms. Cheesebaker, and would like to add that Professor (insert teacher's name here) is an ugly git."

Ditto "Ms. Klutz would like to register her astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor."

Ditto "Ms. DuBaer bids Professor (insert teacher's name here) good day, and advises him/her to wash his/her hair, the slimeball."

Crabbe is not a "fat lard" and I shouldn't say so.

Ditto Goyle

Albus Dumbledore is not my great-grandfather.

Hermione's cat's name is Crookshanks, not "Wussy Cat"

Murder is not a healthy way to let out my anger.

"But Voldemort does it!" is not an excuse to do so.

Hermione did not steal Ron from me and fate will not bring us together.

Dobby is not secretly Regulus Black.

Ditto Sirius.

Ditto Kreacher.

Not allowed to burst in on secret sessions between Dumbledore and Harry Potter, screaming something about potato salad.

Not allowed to attack Snape with a spork.

Percy Weasley may be a git, but the entire school doesn't have to know about it.

150 is not too many things I shouldn't do at Hogwarts.


	2. Chapter 2

Note from Ileana: I got two chapters on GP and so I have to post them here. This second chapter is by lightningboltgirl on GP. Enjoy.

**20 Things Not To Do At Hogwarts**

1. I will not put soap into the lake and then 'accidentally' push Snape in, no matter how bad he needs a bath.  
2. Luring first years to the third floor corridor, then opening the trap door there, then pushing them in there, is not advisable, and will get me detention, even if the Golden Trio was there when they were their age.  
3. Same for Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.  
4. Learning to speak parstletounge just to have snakes attack Malfoy may be fun, but will result in loss of house points.  
5. As much fun as bungy jumping off Gryffindor Tower may sound, it can get me killed.  
6. Calling Malfoy, Malferret will get me hexed, and therefor is not advisable.  
7. Sneaking into Snape's chamber and stealing all of his under garments(EWWW) and replacing them with Thongs will result in a very angry Potions Master, especially if I charm the doorway to strip his robes off of him as he enters...(Who am i torturing, him or us?)  
8. Telling Filtch that the Weasley twins snuck into the castle and are digging through his office is not a good idea, especially if i lock him in there with magic(After he enters of course)  
9. Taking first years to the Whomping Willow and asking them to prod the knot on it is dangerous and could result in a sentence at Azkaban.  
10. Convincing someone to tell a professor of the DA, while hilarious, will only make me targets of pranks.  
11. Asking Hagrid if Hermione and Ron took over his hut again when i see him in the Great Hall in a morose mood will only make him more depressed.  
12. Sneaking into Harry's dorm late at night for a snog session is going to give me the reputation of a scarlet woman.  
13. Telling people that I am related to Voldemort just get them to fear me might get me thrown into Azkaban or into Ministry Custody.  
14. Slipping Snape a truth serum and asking what his true relation ship is with (Filtch, Voldie, Quirrell, Lucius, or Lockheart) will result in a years worth of detention and loss of 200 house points.  
15. Daring Draco Malfoy to tell Snape that he is sexy may be absolutly hilarious, but it desturbing at the same time.  
16. Having Colin take a picture of what Malfoy really does while in the prefect bathroom and spreading the picture all over school is just wrong, but funny.  
17. Asking Madame Pomphrey for a Dreamless Sleep Potion then slipping it to Snape during Potions may get me out of potions for the day, but i will have to deal with an irate potions master later on.  
18. Sneaking off to the Room of Requirement with Harry might be fun but...why cant i do this at Hogwarts, again?  
19. Saying "Oi with the poodles already" during class will only get me stares.  
AND FINALLY AT LEAST FOR NOW...  
20. Recreating the swamp in the Slytherin Common Room, then adding the fireworks, and then putting a charm on the entrance to said common room to turn anyone who passes through it into a transvestite dressed in Red and Gold with a Gryffindor Lion Hat on their heads that rawrs is tracable and will only come back to bite me in the arse...though very funny since the spell lasts for a month...

THAT's IT MY 20 THINGS NOT TO DO AT HOGWARTS...THE OI WITH THE POODLES ALREADY IS FROM GILMORE GIRLS...ANYWAY...HOPE YOU ENJOYED! Ginny


	3. Chapter 3

Note from ileana: Well, this is the third chapter, supplied by our dear LittleLily. Unfortunately, it appears our minute blossom's imagination wasn't exactly running wild when she wrote it. Oh well.

1. Not allowed to cough 'Ferret alert' whenever Malfoy is around.  
2. Do not as Moaning Myrtle to make face behind Snape for an entire day.  
3.If someone asks what's Voldemort's cell phone number do not answer 666-666.  
4. When talking to Voldemort it is not a good idea when you call him Riddle to break out singing hey diddle diddle the cat an the fiddle ...etc.  
5. Don't ask the librarian if you can go on the computer.


	4. Chapter 4

A note from ileana: Another new chapter! This one is by Twig, known as TwiggyBlack on here. Isn't she brilliant?

And 7 is hilarious! I adore it.

Author's Note (by Twig): The Twentieth thing is a HUGE HBP spoiler. But I expect ya'll to have read it by now. 

_Why I'm Writing Lines (20 Things I'm Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts)_

1. Professor Snape does not enjoy gift certificates to the spa.

2. Nor does he like shampoo bottles that "appeared" in his Potion's cabinet. Condtioner is also not an appropriate Christmas present.

3. Filius is Professor Flitwick's first name. Not Yoda.

4. When turning your desk into a pig, aim correctly. Draco Malfoy makes a much better ferret than pig.

5. Fun pet-names can get you cursed into tomorrow. ("Aw, who's a cutey widdle Fewwet Face?")

6. Ron and Hermione do not enjoy the chorus of "THE GOOD SHIP FOREVER!" whenever they are within three feet of eachother. Nor do they enjoy the "HA! YOU DELUSIONAL IDIOTS!" when they are within a foot of eachother.

7. Even Trelawney does not think "Mars is bright tonight" is a proper response to every question on a Divination exam.

8. Professor Flitwick is not the mayor of Muchkinland. "Ding-dong the witch is dead" also isn't a good song to sing in Hogwarts School of _Witch_craft and Wizardry.

9. Harry Potter is not Spider-man. His scar senses do not tingle.

10. Teachers _will_ panic if "OH MY GOD, LOOK, IT'S YOU-KNOW-WHO!" is used as a distraction.

11. The only thing you will get out of the question "is this canon, but not included in the books?" is a strange look.

12. No, it is not nice to sneak a Amortentia into McGonagall's goblet. Especially when it has been brewed by Snape.

13. "It was like magic!" isn't a good excuse for anything at Hogwarts. Especially when Charmed food just _happens_ to land on Malfoy's head.

14. "Siriusly, though..." shouldn't be a way to start a conversation with Harry.

15. Knowing what Harry was thinking about "the creature in his chest" only scares him.

16. When you are angry about the homework Professor McGonagall has given you, do not call her Evil Kitty.

17. Taking advantage of your friends when they're asleep and casting a Dark Mark over their heads will lose you house points.

18. Under no circumstances is Polyjuice-ing myself as Ron and announcing my undevoted love to Harry right. Although it is rather funny, to say the least.

19. Snape is not a drag queen, or will he ever be. So the Vegas costume is a no-no from now on. And while photoshopping his head onto several pictures is utterly hilarious, a furious Snape will not understand the joke.

20. Using a time-turner and traveling back to the Trio's first year to tell them what will happen to them later in life will not make them happy.

On the contrary, conversations should not go like this:

"...Oh yeah, and Dumbledore dies in your sixth year."

The Trio then stares open-mouthed at you for a while.

"Why are you telling us this?" 

"Hey, at least I didn't tell you that Snape killed him."


	5. Chapter 5

A note from ileana (that's me!): Well, you peeps are awesome, really, I was amazed with all the reviews I got. Now remember, I can only take credit for two chapters so far: the first one and this one. So moongazer, remember, I'm not the only reason this story might not get updated too often.

Anywho, 20 more things not allowed at Hogwarts!

Not allowed to somehow convince Ronald Weasley that he has spattergroit and that he must take the liver of a toad, bind it tight about his throat, stand naked at the full moon in a barrel of eels' eyes and chant, " I Alimbay animarbey /I " for an hour. Then, if he does so, I'm not allowed to take pictures and spread them all around the school.

When asked whom I idolize, an appropriate response would be, "Albus Dumbledore", or "Harry Potter". Not "Peeves", "Fred and George Weasley" or "Lord Voldemort".

Not allowed to pay some leprechauns to form an obscene hand signal and follow Snape around all day.

Ditto Filch.

Not allowed to write, "The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Ugly gits, Snape, and Filch beware." in ketchup on the walls.

When told by the teachers that writing such a thing on the walls was the wrong thing to do, not allowed to reply, "You're right. I didn't need to add Filch or Snape, did I? I mean, they're ugly gits and everyone knows it."

Not allowed to ask for help from the teachers to plan an attack on Filch or Snape.

When the teachers scold me for doing so, not allowed to protest with, "But Professor Dumbledore said that help would always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it!"

When caught in trying to murder Snape or Filch, I will not get out of it by claiming that Professor Dumbledore once said, "To the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."

Professor Dumbledore never said, "Cheesebaker, murder Filch and Snape."

Not even allowed to quote Albus Dumbledore anymore.

Or Harry Potter.

Or Ron Weasley.

Or Fred Weasley.

Or George Weasley.

Or Peeves.

Or Luna Lovegood.

Or pretty much anyone.

Not allowed to tell the ickle firsties that if they point their wands at Snape and say, "Furnunculus!" he will refrain from giving them homework. They don't know that he'll break out in boils.

Just because Mad-Eye Moody turned Draco Malfoy into a ferret, doesn't mean that I'm allowed to. Besides . . . that was a death eater, anyways.


	6. Chapter 6

Note from ileana: Hey, TwiggyBlack reviewed! Cool. She wrote one of the chappies here, as you know. Anyhow, these 11 are by HiddenPower, formerly known as curio until they forgot their password . . .

1:I am not allowed to put on fake fangs and run thru the halls screaming,"I vant to suck your blood!"

2:I am not allowed to say I am Harry Potters twin sister.

3:I am not allowed to use a fork, knife, spoon or spork anymore.

4:I am not allowed to talk to Neville for reasons only Proffessor Flitwick knows.

5:I am not allowed to give Hermione the sixth or any book in the Harry Potter series.

6:I am not allowed to yell, "MRYTLE LIKES MALFOY!"

7:Calling McGonagall Minnie is inappropriate.

8:I am not allowed to go near Peeves anymore.

9:I have a life time ban from Quidditch for charming the broom to whack Slytherins off their brooms.

10:Even though they hit me with bludgers and my skull cracked open.

11:I can not take advantage of my classmate is asleep and I write the dark mark on his/her Malfoy/Pansy forearm.


	7. Chapter 7

A note from ileana: Hi! Sashakula's entry came at just the right time for you peeps. I'm going on a trip and won't be back until the 23rd, so I won't be able to post the latest chapters on Oh, and you chocoholic girl? Really, I can only take credit for two chapters! I swear, those are the only ones I personally wrote! Which is why in chapter 6 hiddenpower did not add, "they don't know what I'm talking about".

So, this one is by sashakula13. If you guys really want to read more entries, go to and look for updates on ileanagoddess' "Not Allowed to Do At Hogwarts".

1. I will not tell Voldemort to get a life

2. I am not allowed to tell Peeves how to use a paint ball gun

3. I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Malfoy

4. I can not tell the first years it is a good idea to build a tree house in the Whomping Willow

5. I am not allowed to ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling

6. My name is not "Dark Lord of the hokey-pokey" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such

7. I am not allowed to randomly break into song during History of Magic...no matter how bored I am

8. It is not necessary for me to yell SUPA STAR! every time I apparate

9. It is not acceptable to leave a trail of soap, shampoo, and conditioner from the entrance of Snapes sleeping quarters to his desk.

10. Seamus Finnagan is not "after me lucky charms", and I can not run around screaming when he is walking towards me.

11. "How old are you?" is not the right answer to all of Magonigals questions.

12. I will not refer to the "Accio" charm as "The Force"

13. The professor's do not think first years are good Christmas decorations.

14. Not allowed to call GhostBusters

15. I am allowed to have a toad, cat, rat or owl, nothing else, not even a yetti. No man eating snakes either.

16. I am not allowed to put silencing charms on my professor's, no matter how tempting  
17. I am not allowed to negotiate a peace treaty with Voledemort

18. I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order just to see what happens

19. I will not claim I am an Auror undercover.

20. I will not tell professor Magonigal I saw Crookshanks giving her 'the look'


End file.
